I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im part way to drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
