I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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