I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
