you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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