so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize