It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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