If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
