Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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