Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This baby is an asshole
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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