In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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