Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
