my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
