this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
