we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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