MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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