I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
