can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
