TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
