So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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