I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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