he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
