I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My vagina is officially offended.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
