I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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