Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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