If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
