i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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