dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
