I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
