I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
