seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
