he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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