great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
