i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
