Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
