Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
