New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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