put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
