Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
