I'm eating all of the evidence.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
