dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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