Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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