PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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