Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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