Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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