Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
