i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
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