im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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