dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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