I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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