life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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