just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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