He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
