Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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