I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize