someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
