Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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