Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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