My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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